Dear Ibuprofen,

Will you marry me?

Friends tell me: 'Ms. Harem, he's no good for you.' They say you're after my liver but I say pfttt.

They don't understand the way you cure my head when it aches. Marry me and make me happily pain-free forever.

Love,
Ms. Harem

Dear Trumpets in a Rock Song,

Will you marry me? I won't lie, it's all about the physical reaction I have to you. It's a good one.

Take the trumpet in Train's "50 Ways to Say Goodbye." Love it. Love, love, love it.

As a disclaimer though, I must say I do not love the lyrics. Dude, go see your therapist. Way too much violence to direct towards someone you supposedly liked at one point.

OK, here's an easier example: Shakira's "Ciega Sordomuda."

Love,
Ms. Harem

Dear Rain,

Here in the Midwest, you're elusive, a passing phenomenon that blows through and leaves us wanting more. I need to tie you down. Marry me & call me Mr. Grey.

Love,
Ms. Harem

Dear Soft-Spoken Dentist,

Though I can rarely understand what you say, I apprectiate you. In a world where most people strike me as too loud, you are not. I love that about you.

I'm not particularly attracted to you and I'm certain the feeling is mutual. Nonetheless, I think we could build a real relationship with this solid foundation of friendship and  mutual respect. And quiet. Relaxing, relaxing quiet.

Love,
Ms. Harem

Dear Brett Dennen,

Will you marry me? I'm setting up a harem. You would join Mr. Harem and a stationary bike. Though, the bike hasn't said yes yet.

The first time I heard one of your songs, I knew I wanted to propose. Then I saw a picture of you and, Holy Cannoli, my own hair swooned with envy. Your locks are glorious.

Love,
Ms. Harem

PS - Mr. Harem doesn't know about this plan yet.

Dear Stationary Bike,

I'm so happy we're back together. I haven't been myself without you and I don't know why I ever left. I won't leave again. Will you marry me?

Love,
Ms. Harem Wanna-Be

PS - You could be Mr. Harem's brother husband. We'll get a show on TLC. If you ever dump me, I'll go on Dancing with the Stars.