Thursday, June 27, 2013

Dear Mulberry Tree behind the dressbarn somewhat close to my work,

Guess what I did over my lunch hour today? I fell in love. With a mulberry tree near a strip mall with a dressbarn in it. I'm going to write up the whole thing - my first foray into urban foraging via www.fallingfruit.org. I even took pics of my purple-stained fingers. I'll post them soon.

I'm in love. Though I'm going public with my feelings, I'm not ready to propose yet. This is all just so new.

-Ms. Harem

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Dear Ibuprofen,

Will you marry me?

Friends tell me: 'Ms. Harem, he's no good for you.' They say you're after my liver but I say pfttt.

They don't understand the way you cure my head when it aches. Marry me and make me happily pain-free forever.

Love,
Ms. Harem

Friday, August 24, 2012

Dear Trumpets in a Rock Song,

Will you marry me? I won't lie, it's all about the physical reaction I have to you. It's a good one.

Take the trumpet in Train's "50 Ways to Say Goodbye." Love it. Love, love, love it.

As a disclaimer though, I must say I do not love the lyrics. Dude, go see your therapist. Way too much violence to direct towards someone you supposedly liked at one point.

OK, here's an easier example: Shakira's "Ciega Sordomuda."

Love,
Ms. Harem

Monday, August 13, 2012

Dear Rain,

Here in the Midwest, you're elusive, a passing phenomenon that blows through and leaves us wanting more. I need to tie you down. Marry me & call me Mr. Grey.

Love,
Ms. Harem

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Dear Soft-Spoken Dentist,

Though I can rarely understand what you say, I apprectiate you. In a world where most people strike me as too loud, you are not. I love that about you.

I'm not particularly attracted to you and I'm certain the feeling is mutual. Nonetheless, I think we could build a real relationship with this solid foundation of friendship and  mutual respect. And quiet. Relaxing, relaxing quiet.

Love,
Ms. Harem

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dear Brett Dennen,

Will you marry me? I'm setting up a harem. You would join Mr. Harem and a stationary bike. Though, the bike hasn't said yes yet.

The first time I heard one of your songs, I knew I wanted to propose. Then I saw a picture of you and, Holy Cannoli, my own hair swooned with envy. Your locks are glorious.

Love,
Ms. Harem

PS - Mr. Harem doesn't know about this plan yet.


Monday, August 6, 2012

Dear Stationary Bike,

I'm so happy we're back together. I haven't been myself without you and I don't know why I ever left. I won't leave again. Will you marry me?

Love,
Ms. Harem Wanna-Be

PS - You could be Mr. Harem's brother husband. We'll get a show on TLC. If you ever dump me, I'll go on Dancing with the Stars.